Week 19 & 20… off and on, off and on…

Well, I know it’s been a while since my last post (sorrrrrrry Mark and Davene) but I have been doing the work, not all of mind you, about 50% probably but that’s better than nothing.

Actually week 19 was quite a good one as far as I can remember. I kept planning my new showreel and am speaking with a company and fellow actors about shooting it. I read through a potential scene with an amazing actor friend, which was great. Fun to be reading scripts again. Making my new showreel makes me nervous though, to be honest  I find it quite stressful, I really want to get it right this time and it’s so hard to know what scenes to shoot, I know that it’s just fear and that stems from lack of confidence…. One of things I’ve really come to understand about myself, is that I’m such a confidence player… If I was a professional golfer, i’d be the wild card type…the player who on his day is unbeatable but 90% of the time is in the sand and hacking around in the bushes. If I’m feeling confident, I feel unstoppable as an actor. But when I don’t, I question myself and my abilities so much. It was the same when I played rugby, most games I’d play ok… I’d do enough but nothing special, just do my job. But then occasionally, when I was feeling super confident, it might have been a word from the coach or a teammate, or just some other reason and I’d have a great game. So I need to work on being more consistent and building my confidence more.

The other thing that’s happened over the past couple of weeks is that I’ve not been getting my OATS done. Again, I just put too much in my schedule, an unrealistic amount…which  i didn’t get finished and then I’d get angry with myself…. “setting up the habit of failure” “if you write if down, you’d better do it” etc… that’s early Hannel by the way…. so I decided that for the whole of February, I’m not going to do any work on my business, but only concentrate on acting/showreel related things… It’s a big goal and it’s important to get done.

I’m also remembering to have fun along the way… as my guide Justin would say, this is very important because I’m a yellow… he always reminds me to have fun along the way, which is great. This is part of the progression of being grateful for each day and living with Joy, not in the future but now!

At the end of week 20 I went on holiday for four days with some friends, I’m ashamed to say I took all my materials and didn’t look at them once…. honestly,  I was distracted. It’s strange because reading the materials have become such a part of me now, that when I do read them, I feel great….but I STILL listen to that old blueprint and skip reads… thinking “nah, I’m tired, I don’t need to tonight”… it’s annoying. But I need to continue because they give me confidence and peace of mind and they challenge me… and I need more of all three of those things.

This is about transformation and being the best you can be and about everyone fulfilling their potential. I’m reminded why I’m doing this other than for myself when I went home a couple of weeks back to see my mum, and I realised how much I want my DMP to come true for her as well, so she can really enjoy her retirement and we can spend more time together as a family…. and this is a cause bigger than myself.

So need to be a bit more consistent…but I’m still pleased I’m here and even though I’m very off and on with this course.. I still think there’s a lot of value in it and in everything we’ve been doing.


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